So to continue the story of India in a nutshell, the process got harder than I could have imagined, not so much this year on a physical level, but on a thought / feeling / psychological level, a whole new can was opening to me. I was privileged, wasn’t I? To drop down into the unconscious layers of my being, a process which I had been working towards for many years, but what I found was far from what I desired. Painful childhood memories, every imaginable fear and phobia arose which was then amplified with the addition of panic attacks, I was here to be healed, yet all I wanted was to get the hell outa here!
Welcoming the dawn and saying farewell to my final moon in India.
My years of self-care and spiritual practices thought me to trust, to trust when even the tiniest glimmer seemed to be extinguished, so I knew this was simply something I had to go through to bring me back to me, why I was not sure, but I knew and held tight to the trust. I went to India to be healed and came back broken.
As a coach I often say to people find your why, because in your why lies your motivation, so throughout the four weeks of treatment I held steady on my why, talked about it, meditated on it, visualised it, so my why, and the amazing people in my life both in India and via skype kept me going.
I invested everything in my why, energetically, physically, emotionally, financially, and when I came home I found out that my why, hadn’t worked in the way I wanted. In fact my TSH levels were now at a critical level, I could barely walk, I was in agonising pain, completely exhausted, couldn’t concentrate or focus, I was like a zombie. So I took the decision to go back on my medication.
It was at this point that I downed tools on everything, I delegated like a queen, cancelled yoga classes, stopped coaching, and for the following six weeks I focussed on going inwards, doing everything inspiring, I mingled with high vibe conscious people, I listened carefully for guidance, yet there was no voice, so instead of abandoning me, I trusted.
I took myself on a spiritual retreat which I had booked before India was even on the cards, I was going because I had booked it, not because I really wanted to, I wanted to wallow I was broken- remember and a two hour train ride wasn’t high on my priorities list, I was still trying to process everything, did I really need to mix more into the pot?
But it was in these two and a half magical days that I met me, a part of me that I did not know even existed, a part of me that had been buried under conditioning, life and yet there I was all along. I came home to who I was, not who I thought I was, I found peace with my illness, I was not cured but healed.
Satsang with Miranda Mac Phearson- a true privilege.
Within the following few days I ended a relationship, gave the keys back to my beautiful home and since mid-May I have been working on strengthening my connection with me, and the guidance is talking, my life is flowing in a way it has never done before.
I am getting to create the mosaic of my life, I can take all the shattered pieces of my life and create a life of beauty, meaning and purpose.
Heartsong Mandala from Kevin James Carroll chanting event in Dublin.